11:30 AM Central Standard Time
11:30 AM Central Standard Time
11:43 PM Central Standard Time
It has not been an easy few months for your mama. I’ve been dealing with depression again, the kind that just forces you to stay in bed. I’ve been slowly battling against it on and off since being diagnosed with post-partum depression. I usually have multiple months of pure bliss then a few months of deep sadness. These months were the latter. I have been slowly trying to figure out how to stay social and stay a good mom when all I want to do is sleep and watch law and order svu reruns. (I think I always watch that show when I’m depressed because it’s okay to be depressed during it…)
However, I have been slowly getting better. The last few weeks I’ve been getting outside more and enjoying other people more. Your dad and you have always been my rock. The two people that know me and I don’t have to constantly explain myself to you guys.
Smack in the middle of all this, I got diagnosed with PCOS- which is a disease that not only messes with your hormones and makes you insulin-resistant, but also makes it really difficult to get pregnant. I sought help when i noticed I hadn’t ovulated for over 6 months. After lots of appointments and tests - PCOS was my new reality. An incurable life-long disease that seems like it is always fighting your body. It explained a lot. Why I could work out 4-5 times a week and eat healthy vegetarian food and barely lose a pound. The Doctor put me on metformin which is supposed to get my insulin back in check- so far it’s working well.
I have been very focused on the nutrition aspect of PCOS but completely ignoring the FERTILITY issue. I am blessed beyond words that I have a child already- but I don’t think I should need to apologize for the fact that I want more- desperately. Having fertility issues are hard- because you feel like your body is failing you at the one thing it was made to do.
And then on top of all that, last week- I did something bad to my back at work- I can barely move around without pretty severe pain. As Alex was drawing me a bath today I sat across from him and the bathroom and just started sobbing. I just wanted to say “eff you depression, eff you constant pain, eff you PCOS, and EFF you body that can’t even function properly- can’t even ovulate for God’s sake. What the hell.” but instead I just cried- the ridiculously embarrassing type of crying where you rub your snot all over your shirt because you are too tired to reach for the kleenex.
Scout, being your mom is the most amazing part of my life. I just so wanted you to have siblings and for your dad and I to have a huge family to have tickle fights with. When you picture your life in your head- it’s weird when it goes a drastically different way. But hey, that’s the story of my life. I didn’t want a baby when I got pregnant with you, and now I really want a baby, and I don’t even know if that will ever happen again. I guess this is when people laugh and say “ha- life’s a bitch!” Yeah, I don’t always feel like that- I usually don’t. But today- yeah- life’s quite a bitch.
10:26 PM Central Standard Time